Relationship status: complicated. For most of my adult life, this has been my relationship status. Thank God Facebook came up with that option because.. #relateable! Anyway, back to the title. As a child I longed for and yearned painfully for my dads attention. I thought it was my oxygen, I literally felt like I was choking without it, dying inside. Unnoticed. The meaning I made; unnoticed = worthless. Poor guy was addicted to drugs and alcohol so he couldn’t be present. It had nothing to do with me but at the time I didn’t know that.
As a young adult, oh the choices I made from a worthless place….not good! But we won’t get into all that because I was a different person back then.

As I started to have relationships with men, I first thought if a man is jealous then that must mean he really loves me! It felt like an intense form of attention but shortly realized I felt smothered. My first 2 significant relationships were with tremendously jealous men. I had a couple relationships after that that were healthier but still lacked in many important areas. Now I’m single and 47 and find my inner child still longing for attention from a man. I’m not going to deny it, I maybe scarred but no longer blind to it. I now have a healthy remedy. Meditation. I’m very grateful that I developed this strong practice which helps me connect to God, my Maker. The Heavenly Father. I realize that I have God’s attention and He has mine. With that relationship comes so much goodness! Wholeness, health, peace, blessings of all sorts, the list can go on. I think you get the idea. I felt moved to share this with anyone else out there longing for a mate, attention, etc. Having God’s attention and vise versa is where you want to be! I know my right relationship is in the future making it’s way to me and me to it but in the meantime, I’m good. I’m content. And when I’m not, I remember the Truth and I sit.

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Photo by Noelle Otto on Pexels.com

pexels-photo-347135.jpegThe title sounds pretty dramatic and intense but it is how I feel at times. I’m going through what I call a transitional time. It’s not fun but I suppose it’s necessary. My business as a manicurist has slowed down and I have mixed feelings about it. I feel scared, scared that maybe I’m really not good at doing nails & others are much better. Scared that I’ll go broke. And on a positive note, maybe this is a blessing because I can reflect, pause and ponder about what  I’m REALLY here to do. It’s not always easy to figure it out. This is where my mediation comes in. This morning I did some things different in my mediation. I didn’t set a timer (because I knew that I’d know when I was cleared and filled.) and I actually communicated with my Guides. I wasn’t always sure about the concept of us having guides but it kind of makes sense so as of today I’m going to start being with that. So I communicated with them, told them I REALLY  need their help. They told me to communicate with them more and share all my feelings, desires, thoughts and needs. I was like cool, I can do that. Thank you.

Let me tell you. I’m an avid meditator and I OFTEN don’t want to do it! It seems like it’s boring and such a HUGE discipline. (Can’t I just go have a cup of Joe and be out the door? UGH!) Well, it can be all those things (actually it’s never boring.) Back to my story…I woke up with very heavy feelings in my body; confusion, dread, a whole slew of unpleasantness. Therefore I KNEW I needed to SIT. I can’t offer the world, myself and especially my daughter ANYTHING from this space. So why do I sit? Because I fucking care about my life and my journey and my purpose. Big time! During my meditation soooo many tears came out. And they came out, and they came out and they came out. And I sat until I could fill all the blocks in my energy system clear. At the same time, I’m talking to my Guides here and there when I felt like I needed to say something. I ended sitting for 30 minutes and I’m so glad I did because it was just what I needed. Often people think ‘spiritual’ people are weak because we’re sensitive but you know what, it’s really the contrary. We are bad asses. We can actually be still with ourselves, get to know ourselves and heal ourselves. Like wow! How many people can really do that? Is something a weak person would do? No I say, absolutely not. It takes tremendous strength, intelligence, discipline and courage to be patient enough to really be with what’s going on inside of you.

It is now 11:15 am on a Saturday morning and I feel like the world is my oyster and if I need to show up for a client, myself and most importantly my daughter, I am a clear vessel ready to give from a full tank and be fully present.

 

So fierce ones, continue doing what you do. Be still, go inside whether you know it or not, you are the Light of the world and YOU DO MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

 

Do the work, because you care.

Much Love & Light,

Jill

I would guess that I’m not alone when at times I feel like a nobody.  I would assume many feel the same way at times. Today I was having one of those days. I was having thoughts which led to some very unpleasant feelings. I felt like I was a failure, living a mediocre life (a failure), not living up to my potential (a failure), aging, single, nobody notices me (a failure) the list goes on…One habit I know I need to change is checking social media so often. It actually makes me feel bad but I keep doing it. Like picking a sore hangnail, that type of thing. It hurts, but you keep doing it.

Anyway…..I KNEW I needed to sit. In meditation that is. Sit on my pillow, quiet my mind, quiet my thoughts. I knew I had a heavy heart and felt some anger when I woke up. Angry at feeling like a failure, anger about feeling like a martyr about some things in my life. I walked around this way for the first 4 hours!  I finally was able to sit. It was only for 5 minutes, that’s all the time I had. In that 5 minutes, my anger immediately transformed into actual chemical form and came out of my body as tears. I felt so much better, lighter and happier just after 5 minutes. I felt better but still felt a bit small, my life felt small.

When I was able to finally sit for 20 minutes I could feel all the sadness and smallness clear away. All the negative and lower energy just got transmuted and I was able to resonate with the finer, higher subtle energies. I mediated until I was sitting in nothingness and “I “was no longer important. The light flowing in me, around me and as me I suppose, was amazing. I guess you could say my ego was gone and my little world and feeling like a big nothing had been transformed and I was now in reality, in the nothingness of it all.

I heard once that planet Earth is the planet of suffering. I believe it is true. I also believe you can mediate and wake up and overcome much of the suffering. When you’re able to do this, your job here is done. You’ve completed your biggest mission, to wake up from the dream. But there are no free lunches, you must earn everything.  It’s a daily practice, a daily discipline. Constantly. Letting. Go.

I hope this helped to remind someone of the work, that it works and that it’s important.

I am cleansed of the debris that no longer belongs to me. And. So. Can. You.

~Jillpexels-photo.jpg

 

 

I share this short story in hope that it may help someone else going through something similar. I’m someone who is very in touch with themselves. But lately I’ve had a lot of BIG things on my mind and it’s causing me to not sleep well and to not be present. It’s a terrible feeling. It feels like my life is passing me by and I’m just numb, not engaged. My kid would speak to me and I would forget what she said because I wasn’t able to really hear her. And then one thought set me free: God’s got me, and I am divinely guided. I could feel my spirit rush back into my body. It’s like fear had taken over my body and there was no room for my spirit. When I remembered the truth about this thing called life the fear flew out of me and my spirit rushed back in. I was able to relax, think straight, smile and most importantly be present for my kid. It’s unbelievable how we can so easily forget. Forget that we are guided and protected and most importantly, not alone. We are a part of something bigger. The Big Man upstairs or something greater than us has our back. Keep Calm, I am a spiritual being

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So, I know there is greatness within me and I’m closer to it than I’ve ever been before. But there is something I am still trying to overcome, self sabotage. The underlining belief I must have is that I’m not worthy and/or capable of a different life, a better life. I’m not saying mine is bad but I am someone who likes to continue to keep evolving. I’ll be going along just fine, vibrating high, new things coming into my life, expansion, joy, peace, deep sleep, tuned in, and then bomb….I’ll do something really stupid, get completely off track and get loose all of my power. My power struggles are between my frontal lobe and the reptilian part of my brain. I’m hoping that this new awareness and being able to name it and write about it, will help me bridge the gap of my desires and my actions; where I am and where I want to be; who I am today and who I know I can be tomorrow. Hey, you reptilian brain, you no longer need to play small and just survive, loosen up your grip and join the party, we’re going places and it’s going to be fun!

 

 

Maybe it’s the way some of the planets in my astrological chart are situated, maybe it’s due to some parts of my childhood that stunted me emotionally but whatever the reason, I can sure get caught up in the past and become nostalgic. It becomes this seductive energy that says, “Hey, turn around, look behind you, you were skinnier, sexier, your life was better then. Your life is boring now, you’re boring now.” If I’m not careful I can get caught up and start to feel down. Sometimes a photograph can trigger it, especially if I’m tired. Bad combo. Well, today it started to happen. So, I decided to have conversations with my higher self to help me out of this sinking sand I was dipping my toes in. I knew I was playing with fire. Because I know it’s not true and I know the power is in the present.

My higher voice said, “Don’t believe your lies. You’re stronger now, wiser now, much more whole, your values and priorities are so much better now. Don’t be fooled. Don’t be tricked.” Listening to the wise me and meditating helped pull me out of the smoke and mirrors that almost trapped me.

If this ever happens to you, don’t believe the voice of your lower self. You are right where you’re supposed to be.

Happy New Year!

Unknown

I have a relationship, or I should say, a relationship has me. 9 years ago I met a man and our journey began. It started with sweetness, joy, desire, chemistry and all that good stuff that is required for THE bond to happen. A few months into the relationship I started getting upset and triggered ALOT. He was attentive to me in bed but not outside of bed as much as I needed. We had the right ingredients for the bedroom but the wrong ingredients for daily living. He was a bit shut down and I required a lot (from not getting love and attention from my father). Needless to say, it was a challenging combo. But we hung in there! For 8 years were were off and on. We continually tried to hit our heads on the wall and make it work, put a square peg into a round hole, therapy, energy work, you name it, we did it. We fought to stay together. I started to get anxiety, insomnia, I started feeling powerless and worn out. I finally took these messages from my body as it was where I was not supposed to be. Breaking up with him for once and for all has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Letting go of love is not easy. I don’t know if it was a ‘healthy’ love but it was love as I knew it and when it was good, it felt so good. But when it was not, it hurt badly and consumed my life.  I am now going into my 2 year of the breakup and there are times when I miss him so much it hurts physically. Especially when certain things remind me of him, places or things….then the pain begins. It all starts in my mind. I let my mind go to the past of the good times, to the future of what could have been, I beat myself up saying if I had better role models when I was a kid I could have done the relationship better. From there, my mind becomes a downward spiral and magnetizes more negative thoughts. Well yesterday I reached out to him. Whenever I do, I just feel worse. And when I went to bed, I had such a bad dream about us. I was at his house and he told me that before I come in he had to hide things that his current girlfriend had around. He said she threw a baby shower for one of his cousins and there were some of the gift bags in his kitchen. He went on to tell me that since I was basically such a difficult girlfriend, he couldn’t ever take me around his family and that’s why I didn’t know he had this cousin. In my dream, I could feel my body having the same reaction I used to have frequently in real life. I left his house very upset but before I did he reminded me, “I”m done and your done!” I woke up from my dream and just felt horrible. My eyes and the rest of my body showed the effects of the stress in my dream. Thank God I have meditation as a daily practice. This morning I really got to put it to the test. I know that meditation transforms our energies from lower ones to higher ones. In my mediation I could see and feel that all my energies were in the past and that was causing me pain. I also noticed I had a huge block in my heart chakra that was causing me tremendous pain and energy drains. I just noticed the stuck energy, I just sat with it. Almost like a child, sometimes all they need is your Presence and loving attention. I gave myself the Presence and attention I needed through awareness. The blocks cleared, my energies balanced and I consciously and subconsciously came fully into the present moment. I came out of my meditation excited about this day and what I have to offer the world today. I also recommitted to living my new life with me fully present, involved and open. It’s an amazing thing, that we truly hold the key to our pain and to our freedom.

Check out my new book, available on Amazon, which is filed with insights and affirmations. Alchemy through the art of mediation. 11222075_10152992013592854_1527606430159264412_n

With much, much pure LOVE,

Jill P. Thomas

putting-out-a-fire This was the image that came to me while I was meditating today. I was being challenged on every level possible. It’s time for my overly priced lease renewal for my apartment, do I stay or do I go? I went to a new hairdresser and she went over all my lovely gold highlights with an ash color. Ugh. I’m PMSing. And my mom (at age 68) is going through another turbulent situation. She’s getting divorced from her lesbian wife who used to be in jail, and now they may get back together. (I’m used to this stuff with her but it still can stir things up in me if I’m not totally grounded and centered.)

A couple things I’ve noticed about being involved in your own evolution process and being aware; is you take responsibility, you don’t blame others. You can’t.  It kind of sucks that you can’t blame others anymore.But when you’re awake, it definitely is a more positive than a negative… because it’s more empowering.

I knew I was irritable and emotional, I wanted to blame others BUT I knew, everything begins and ends with me. I couldn’t wait to get on ass on my mediation cushion and quiet my damn mind down. The interesting thing is I kept dilly dallying instead of just sitting down. It seems when we’re caught in a negative space, our behavior leans more towards self destruction and it’s hard to self care and that’s when we need it the most. In the last 12 hrs I did many, many non self caring and self loving things. I ate 3 squares of chocolate for breakfast, I texted while driving, I was rude to my mom, I didn’t pack food for myself for the day. I notice that when I hurt, I can have the tendency to hurt myself more. Human nature is interesting. And so is self love and self care. I had the ah ha today that I’m a recovering self hater. I used to be at war with myself for many, many years. I didn’t like how I looked when I was a kid. I thought I was too chubby, not pretty enough, weird and just different from everyone else. I remember going through times in my early 20’s when my self care was binging on ice cream or candy bars and crying in my car feeling lost. I am so incredibly deeply grateful that those ways no longer are with me. I am also so deeply grateful that I have learned how to care for and love myself. It’s been decades in the making. Meditation has been the corner stone of my healing. It has helped me to feel at home in my skin and to quiet down the war inside of me. It surfaces from time to time but I get myself to yoga and onto my meditation mat ASAP.

It is my desire to help young girls or anyone struggling with self love, self acceptance and self care. I know I can help, I’ve been there, I know it very well and I know how to come out of it to the other side. Maybe one day I’ll figure out how to help those in need. For now, I write and take care of myself so I can take care of my little corner of the world and all those who are in it.

IamSo, the last few days I’ve been in a slumpy place. It started with not the best self care…stayed up too late and gave away too much of my energy. Boundaries and self care; something I continue to work on. Anyway, all that caused me to feel depressed, lose my mojo (which is everything!) and I was just off. Then I did something, something very, very simple which caused me to release the weight that was on my soul. I had a quick thought that life is supposed to be joyous and not heavy, and I desperately wanted to feel better, now! The next second, these words came to me, “I AM”.  I immediately started to feel lighter and more energy came into me. It was so miraculous. I said it a few more times in my head, quietly to myself. I have often heard that these are powerful words and I know get it. What was going on in those moments of the shift in my mind and spirit was that I realized ‘I am and that is enough.’ I am, and that is enough, really get that. It is simple and profound.

I hadn’t realized how hard I was being on myself, even though it was subtle messages to myself. Was I good enough at work, will I ever love again, am I losing my feminine nature because I’m increasing my strength as a woman in business, am I not sexy anymore because I’m not making love, am I looking and feeling old, am I chubby? Whew, no wonder I felt weighed down. The words of ‘I am’, cleared me. So I  decided to write and share about this shift. Not sure how many people read my blog but if this technique could help one person feel better or get some relief, then it’s worth my while.

By the way, I even had an underlying sense of anxiety because I didn’t know when the bad feeling would end. The ‘I am’ and the exploration into the combination of those words lifted the anxiety too.

We MUST be our biggest cheerleaders, our own biggest fans. We are with ourselves forever, our relationship with ourself is one of thee most important you’ll ever have.

Word play for you, have fun and make it work for you! Here’s my wordplay.

I am:

good enough

a child of God

good at what I do

loved and loving

I am is a complete sentence in itself and it is also the start of a sentence. I invite to play with it, don’t think, your inner guidance will tell you what to say in regards to it. And try to feel the energy of it sink into you.

I wish you much love and peace. Be still and know.

Jill

Unknown-2 Unknown-3 Unknown-1Is technology truly advancing us?

#Technologyhangover

The answer to my own question is NO, if it’s overused. I believe I have a techno hangover. I find myself, and I’m sure many others, overusing this meant to be ‘tool’ as a past time. We waste precious time (which can’t be taken back) by spending wasted time on the computer and our phones. Technology was designed as a data and communication tool, but has become an addiction. Some may feel they are actually being productive playing games, posting photos (I’m guilty too) but it’s a mirage, smoke and mirrors. A brief high. The computer can suck away our intellect by making un-wise time management choices and looking up things that we already know to be true hence diminishing our intellect and intuition. I recently removed Facebook & Instagram from my phone because my frontal brain lobe was actually hurting. I’m very intune with my body and know when something is not right. I was getting addicted. How did I know? I was checking the damn thing all the time, checking how many likes my posts had. One day I was disgusted with myself. I thought, is my mind so boring that I need these 2 Apps to entertain myself? Do I need that much validation that I need to share a photo of my quinoa and broccoli with people I don’t even know? And the people I know, probably don’t even care….but they all ‘Liked’ it!

I want to just be where I am, just doing what I’m doing, like the olden days. I’m going to try it and see how it goes. So far, it’s good, my brain doesn’t hurt any longer from all the short term attention spans I was giving it. It was almost like electrical shock waves. I really think the brain is designed for longer attention spans. My mind feels good when I meditate, when I read, when I have a deep conversation, when I write, have a deep connection with someone…things of that nature.

I had a babysitter come over and I asked if she wanted a book or a magazine, she said, “No, I have my phone.” It’s so rare to see people read these days! When I’m done with this blog, I’ll be reading my book. Today, I saw my 10 year old enjoying Sidney Sheldon’s, Where The Sidewalk Ends and I thought, wow, what a lost art. My daughter reads and writes….it’s so ancient, so beautiful, so connected, so intelligent, so pure and so powerful. She and I remain each others teachers.

Peace be still.

~Jill