Archives for category: peace

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I have a relationship, or I should say, a relationship has me. 9 years ago I met a man and our journey began. It started with sweetness, joy, desire, chemistry and all that good stuff that is required for THE bond to happen. A few months into the relationship I started getting upset and triggered ALOT. He was attentive to me in bed but not outside of bed as much as I needed. We had the right ingredients for the bedroom but the wrong ingredients for daily living. He was a bit shut down and I required a lot (from not getting love and attention from my father). Needless to say, it was a challenging combo. But we hung in there! For 8 years were were off and on. We continually tried to hit our heads on the wall and make it work, put a square peg into a round hole, therapy, energy work, you name it, we did it. We fought to stay together. I started to get anxiety, insomnia, I started feeling powerless and worn out. I finally took these messages from my body as it was where I was not supposed to be. Breaking up with him for once and for all has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Letting go of love is not easy. I don’t know if it was a ‘healthy’ love but it was love as I knew it and when it was good, it felt so good. But when it was not, it hurt badly and consumed my life.  I am now going into my 2 year of the breakup and there are times when I miss him so much it hurts physically. Especially when certain things remind me of him, places or things….then the pain begins. It all starts in my mind. I let my mind go to the past of the good times, to the future of what could have been, I beat myself up saying if I had better role models when I was a kid I could have done the relationship better. From there, my mind becomes a downward spiral and magnetizes more negative thoughts. Well yesterday I reached out to him. Whenever I do, I just feel worse. And when I went to bed, I had such a bad dream about us. I was at his house and he told me that before I come in he had to hide things that his current girlfriend had around. He said she threw a baby shower for one of his cousins and there were some of the gift bags in his kitchen. He went on to tell me that since I was basically such a difficult girlfriend, he couldn’t ever take me around his family and that’s why I didn’t know he had this cousin. In my dream, I could feel my body having the same reaction I used to have frequently in real life. I left his house very upset but before I did he reminded me, “I”m done and your done!” I woke up from my dream and just felt horrible. My eyes and the rest of my body showed the effects of the stress in my dream. Thank God I have meditation as a daily practice. This morning I really got to put it to the test. I know that meditation transforms our energies from lower ones to higher ones. In my mediation I could see and feel that all my energies were in the past and that was causing me pain. I also noticed I had a huge block in my heart chakra that was causing me tremendous pain and energy drains. I just noticed the stuck energy, I just sat with it. Almost like a child, sometimes all they need is your Presence and loving attention. I gave myself the Presence and attention I needed through awareness. The blocks cleared, my energies balanced and I consciously and subconsciously came fully into the present moment. I came out of my meditation excited about this day and what I have to offer the world today. I also recommitted to living my new life with me fully present, involved and open. It’s an amazing thing, that we truly hold the key to our pain and to our freedom.

Check out my new book, available on Amazon, which is filed with insights and affirmations. Alchemy through the art of mediation. 11222075_10152992013592854_1527606430159264412_n

With much, much pure LOVE,

Jill P. Thomas

putting-out-a-fire This was the image that came to me while I was meditating today. I was being challenged on every level possible. It’s time for my overly priced lease renewal for my apartment, do I stay or do I go? I went to a new hairdresser and she went over all my lovely gold highlights with an ash color. Ugh. I’m PMSing. And my mom (at age 68) is going through another turbulent situation. She’s getting divorced from her lesbian wife who used to be in jail, and now they may get back together. (I’m used to this stuff with her but it still can stir things up in me if I’m not totally grounded and centered.)

A couple things I’ve noticed about being involved in your own evolution process and being aware; is you take responsibility, you don’t blame others. You can’t.  It kind of sucks that you can’t blame others anymore.But when you’re awake, it definitely is a more positive than a negative… because it’s more empowering.

I knew I was irritable and emotional, I wanted to blame others BUT I knew, everything begins and ends with me. I couldn’t wait to get on ass on my mediation cushion and quiet my damn mind down. The interesting thing is I kept dilly dallying instead of just sitting down. It seems when we’re caught in a negative space, our behavior leans more towards self destruction and it’s hard to self care and that’s when we need it the most. In the last 12 hrs I did many, many non self caring and self loving things. I ate 3 squares of chocolate for breakfast, I texted while driving, I was rude to my mom, I didn’t pack food for myself for the day. I notice that when I hurt, I can have the tendency to hurt myself more. Human nature is interesting. And so is self love and self care. I had the ah ha today that I’m a recovering self hater. I used to be at war with myself for many, many years. I didn’t like how I looked when I was a kid. I thought I was too chubby, not pretty enough, weird and just different from everyone else. I remember going through times in my early 20’s when my self care was binging on ice cream or candy bars and crying in my car feeling lost. I am so incredibly deeply grateful that those ways no longer are with me. I am also so deeply grateful that I have learned how to care for and love myself. It’s been decades in the making. Meditation has been the corner stone of my healing. It has helped me to feel at home in my skin and to quiet down the war inside of me. It surfaces from time to time but I get myself to yoga and onto my meditation mat ASAP.

It is my desire to help young girls or anyone struggling with self love, self acceptance and self care. I know I can help, I’ve been there, I know it very well and I know how to come out of it to the other side. Maybe one day I’ll figure out how to help those in need. For now, I write and take care of myself so I can take care of my little corner of the world and all those who are in it.