Archives for posts with tag: pain

I would guess that I’m not alone when at times I feel like a nobody.  I would assume many feel the same way at times. Today I was having one of those days. I was having thoughts which led to some very unpleasant feelings. I felt like I was a failure, living a mediocre life (a failure), not living up to my potential (a failure), aging, single, nobody notices me (a failure) the list goes on…One habit I know I need to change is checking social media so often. It actually makes me feel bad but I keep doing it. Like picking a sore hangnail, that type of thing. It hurts, but you keep doing it.

Anyway…..I KNEW I needed to sit. In meditation that is. Sit on my pillow, quiet my mind, quiet my thoughts. I knew I had a heavy heart and felt some anger when I woke up. Angry at feeling like a failure, anger about feeling like a martyr about some things in my life. I walked around this way for the first 4 hours!  I finally was able to sit. It was only for 5 minutes, that’s all the time I had. In that 5 minutes, my anger immediately transformed into actual chemical form and came out of my body as tears. I felt so much better, lighter and happier just after 5 minutes. I felt better but still felt a bit small, my life felt small.

When I was able to finally sit for 20 minutes I could feel all the sadness and smallness clear away. All the negative and lower energy just got transmuted and I was able to resonate with the finer, higher subtle energies. I mediated until I was sitting in nothingness and “I “was no longer important. The light flowing in me, around me and as me I suppose, was amazing. I guess you could say my ego was gone and my little world and feeling like a big nothing had been transformed and I was now in reality, in the nothingness of it all.

I heard once that planet Earth is the planet of suffering. I believe it is true. I also believe you can mediate and wake up and overcome much of the suffering. When you’re able to do this, your job here is done. You’ve completed your biggest mission, to wake up from the dream. But there are no free lunches, you must earn everything.  It’s a daily practice, a daily discipline. Constantly. Letting. Go.

I hope this helped to remind someone of the work, that it works and that it’s important.

I am cleansed of the debris that no longer belongs to me. And. So. Can. You.

~Jillpexels-photo.jpg

 

 

I share this short story in hope that it may help someone else going through something similar. I’m someone who is very in touch with themselves. But lately I’ve had a lot of BIG things on my mind and it’s causing me to not sleep well and to not be present. It’s a terrible feeling. It feels like my life is passing me by and I’m just numb, not engaged. My kid would speak to me and I would forget what she said because I wasn’t able to really hear her. And then one thought set me free: God’s got me, and I am divinely guided. I could feel my spirit rush back into my body. It’s like fear had taken over my body and there was no room for my spirit. When I remembered the truth about this thing called life the fear flew out of me and my spirit rushed back in. I was able to relax, think straight, smile and most importantly be present for my kid. It’s unbelievable how we can so easily forget. Forget that we are guided and protected and most importantly, not alone. We are a part of something bigger. The Big Man upstairs or something greater than us has our back. Keep Calm, I am a spiritual being

.light

Unknown

I have a relationship, or I should say, a relationship has me. 9 years ago I met a man and our journey began. It started with sweetness, joy, desire, chemistry and all that good stuff that is required for THE bond to happen. A few months into the relationship I started getting upset and triggered ALOT. He was attentive to me in bed but not outside of bed as much as I needed. We had the right ingredients for the bedroom but the wrong ingredients for daily living. He was a bit shut down and I required a lot (from not getting love and attention from my father). Needless to say, it was a challenging combo. But we hung in there! For 8 years were were off and on. We continually tried to hit our heads on the wall and make it work, put a square peg into a round hole, therapy, energy work, you name it, we did it. We fought to stay together. I started to get anxiety, insomnia, I started feeling powerless and worn out. I finally took these messages from my body as it was where I was not supposed to be. Breaking up with him for once and for all has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Letting go of love is not easy. I don’t know if it was a ‘healthy’ love but it was love as I knew it and when it was good, it felt so good. But when it was not, it hurt badly and consumed my life.  I am now going into my 2 year of the breakup and there are times when I miss him so much it hurts physically. Especially when certain things remind me of him, places or things….then the pain begins. It all starts in my mind. I let my mind go to the past of the good times, to the future of what could have been, I beat myself up saying if I had better role models when I was a kid I could have done the relationship better. From there, my mind becomes a downward spiral and magnetizes more negative thoughts. Well yesterday I reached out to him. Whenever I do, I just feel worse. And when I went to bed, I had such a bad dream about us. I was at his house and he told me that before I come in he had to hide things that his current girlfriend had around. He said she threw a baby shower for one of his cousins and there were some of the gift bags in his kitchen. He went on to tell me that since I was basically such a difficult girlfriend, he couldn’t ever take me around his family and that’s why I didn’t know he had this cousin. In my dream, I could feel my body having the same reaction I used to have frequently in real life. I left his house very upset but before I did he reminded me, “I”m done and your done!” I woke up from my dream and just felt horrible. My eyes and the rest of my body showed the effects of the stress in my dream. Thank God I have meditation as a daily practice. This morning I really got to put it to the test. I know that meditation transforms our energies from lower ones to higher ones. In my mediation I could see and feel that all my energies were in the past and that was causing me pain. I also noticed I had a huge block in my heart chakra that was causing me tremendous pain and energy drains. I just noticed the stuck energy, I just sat with it. Almost like a child, sometimes all they need is your Presence and loving attention. I gave myself the Presence and attention I needed through awareness. The blocks cleared, my energies balanced and I consciously and subconsciously came fully into the present moment. I came out of my meditation excited about this day and what I have to offer the world today. I also recommitted to living my new life with me fully present, involved and open. It’s an amazing thing, that we truly hold the key to our pain and to our freedom.

Check out my new book, available on Amazon, which is filed with insights and affirmations. Alchemy through the art of mediation. 11222075_10152992013592854_1527606430159264412_n

With much, much pure LOVE,

Jill P. Thomas

My name is Jill Thomas and I’m a 41 year old body and very old soul. On this lifetime I believe it is my calling to write and share about my experiences to help you if you have similar ones. My lifetime will be worth the while if I can help people or even a person navigate their pain and a better understanding of what they go through and how to get to the other side. I happen to be very in tune with energy. It has it’s blessings and curses though. At times it can be difficult and scary. It can be like being in a very dark room where you think there are monsters and things that are going to get you and you’re trying to find a light and it’s all up to you!  I stay in these difficult places until I find a way out into the light which ends up being an expanded version of myself. The way out and into the light is through discovery, self inquiry, or even better said, SOUL INQUIRY. Not sex (even though sex is beautiful, it’s more beautiful when you’re whole, centered and balanced.) addictions of all sorts, running away from the problem (I used to be REALLY good at that, I have my masters in going when the tough gets going.) So anyway, this morning I woke up feeling  lethargic, congested, depressed, just feeling as I say, like shit. Background: I’m in a relationship right now that I’ve been in and out of for 6 years. This man is good, I mean really GOOD, like I’m REALLY damn lucky to have him in my life and even luckier to have his unconditional love. More background: I come from a family of dysfunction, divorce, anger, and chaos to say the least. Needless to say, relationships that deal with commitment and intimacy have been difficult for me. I went through the polyanna phase of spiritual by-pass which looked something like this: I’m a free spirit and told myself I’m not meant to be in relationship this time around. All is well and it’s ok to have sex with who ever I want whenever I want. And all the male attention I got while being a free spirit was great for my ego but in the end, my soul wanted to go deeper and have a true connection of depth. Gosh darnit soul, this isn’t easy to expand sometimes! It’s easier to be footloose and fancy free. One thing you should know about me is I am a seeker of truth even if it almost kills me. I  preserver like you can’t believe it. Anyway, back to exploring the energy of this morning. So I woke up like I said, feeling just terrible, congested, depressed, I’m sure my aura was not bright to say the least. My thoughts were that of panic: I have to get out of this relationship, I have to feel better NOW! I feel like shit, I can’t go on like this. and on and on and on. Then I stopped and thought, what if the therapist is right, what if this fear of commitment has to do with my childhood, that I don’t know how to commit to someone safe (or as I used to call him, boring, I was used to chaos, excitement and drama. That felt more natural for me.) So, the thoughts/process that released me from the darkness into the light went something like this: I inquired about the energy. What I discovered is my soul didn’t feel free, I am a very free spirit and my soul needs to feel free otherwise I feel depressed. My soul, or my mind or the energy, something told me the words, co-dependent. Co-dependant, co-dependant, as I stayed with the energy of co-dependency I felt worse. I realized that either I was carrying around the energy of co-dependency or he was. All that mattered in that moment was my soul was screaming, by speaking to my body that it can not be co-dependent because IT DOESN’T NEED TO be co-dependent. The energy started lifting as I was making these inquiries and discoveries in the depths of my soul. It, being my soul, was liberated to know I don’t need saving. I am with this man because I love him, not because I need him or because he needs to save me from something. The relationship won’t work if we, or I am coming from that space. All these were the thoughts/process that lifted my energy from the PAINFUL darkness to light-ness. The next thought was, I don’t want him clinging onto me either. When I thought of the nature of co-dependency the sensation to my soul was similar to that if you’re in a body of water and someone is trying to grab onto you and pulling you down. I knew in that moment this relationship will only work if we don’t lean on each other to make each other feel a certain way or to save each other from our own fear and insecurities. All of those are inside jobs. And the truth of the matter is at the depths of everyones souls, we are whole, perfect and complete. And our souls need to be FREE to be who we are so we can love who we are, be who we are, love our lives, and love who we love in a pure, fresh, unencumbered way. It was an amazing journey from congestion to freedom. So, I will leave you with this question: Where and what are you holding on to what is not serving you for your full expression of yourself? If you don’t know, ask your soul. Oh your soul has a language and I believe it speaks to us through our bodies. I’m still in discovery about this. But stick around for the ride, I will continue to share my experiences and insights. Peace be still, and then SHINE! 🙂