This was the image that came to me while I was meditating today. I was being challenged on every level possible. It’s time for my overly priced lease renewal for my apartment, do I stay or do I go? I went to a new hairdresser and she went over all my lovely gold highlights with an ash color. Ugh. I’m PMSing. And my mom (at age 68) is going through another turbulent situation. She’s getting divorced from her lesbian wife who used to be in jail, and now they may get back together. (I’m used to this stuff with her but it still can stir things up in me if I’m not totally grounded and centered.)
A couple things I’ve noticed about being involved in your own evolution process and being aware; is you take responsibility, you don’t blame others. You can’t. It kind of sucks that you can’t blame others anymore.But when you’re awake, it definitely is a more positive than a negative… because it’s more empowering.
I knew I was irritable and emotional, I wanted to blame others BUT I knew, everything begins and ends with me. I couldn’t wait to get on ass on my mediation cushion and quiet my damn mind down. The interesting thing is I kept dilly dallying instead of just sitting down. It seems when we’re caught in a negative space, our behavior leans more towards self destruction and it’s hard to self care and that’s when we need it the most. In the last 12 hrs I did many, many non self caring and self loving things. I ate 3 squares of chocolate for breakfast, I texted while driving, I was rude to my mom, I didn’t pack food for myself for the day. I notice that when I hurt, I can have the tendency to hurt myself more. Human nature is interesting. And so is self love and self care. I had the ah ha today that I’m a recovering self hater. I used to be at war with myself for many, many years. I didn’t like how I looked when I was a kid. I thought I was too chubby, not pretty enough, weird and just different from everyone else. I remember going through times in my early 20’s when my self care was binging on ice cream or candy bars and crying in my car feeling lost. I am so incredibly deeply grateful that those ways no longer are with me. I am also so deeply grateful that I have learned how to care for and love myself. It’s been decades in the making. Meditation has been the corner stone of my healing. It has helped me to feel at home in my skin and to quiet down the war inside of me. It surfaces from time to time but I get myself to yoga and onto my meditation mat ASAP.
It is my desire to help young girls or anyone struggling with self love, self acceptance and self care. I know I can help, I’ve been there, I know it very well and I know how to come out of it to the other side. Maybe one day I’ll figure out how to help those in need. For now, I write and take care of myself so I can take care of my little corner of the world and all those who are in it.
Exploring YOUR energy 